May 8, 1999 - Well, it was another big week, This Week in Crime…And another embarrassing blow for the Champions of Family Values…as one-time First Grandson, Cameron Reagan…landed in the clink on Wednesday, sentenced to 6 months for stealing from cars…Cameron is the son of Voraciously Conservative Talk Show host, Michael Regean, who is, in turn, son of ex-President of the United States, Ronald Reagan…if memory serves us…
The sad turn of events came about after Cameron's Uncompassionately Conservative father threw his ass out of the house and young Cameron was left to fend for himself on the mean streets of Sherman Oaks…Michael Reagan was quoted on his radio show last Thursday saying - quote, "the Reagans have a long proud family tradition of making people homeless, and I'm just doing my part to keep up the family legacy" - unquote … On a personal note…Isn't it odd how these Karmic Paybacks seem to come around like clock-work… MEMO TO DR. LAURA'S KID: Get the hell out while you still can!
But we do hate to fan the flames of Liberal/Conservative controversy here at This Week In Crime…None the less…we'd be remiss if we didn't mention that the National Rifle Association did in fact proceed with their National Meeting last weekend in Denver…located, compassionately, a conservative 10 minutes from Littleton….After which, NRA star spokesman, Chuck "Moses" Heston, came down from the Mount to appear on national television…to help us all Part the Red Tape of Bureaucratic Opportunists…suddenly scurrying to enact new weapons laws…
Moses reminded us that laws such as simple Background Checks on Gun Buyers - quote "smells of tyranny" unquote - to him…To wit, Geraldo Rivera, the mustachioed-maestro of media-mayhem, was quick to point out that Heston's comment - quote "smells of bullshit" unquote - to him. On a personal note…It's been said that we shouldn't enact legislation hastily after a tragic event. I agree…Let's just wait for the next one… But as I say, we like to avoid controversy here at This Week In Crime…but it does get harder and harder to make sense of it all…in a world filled with damned, dirty apes…where soylent green is people…and some people are more edible than others apparently. As was made painfully clear this week, in Maine, where a legislator proposed tough new Crime Laws that would impose the Death Penalty on a murderer who killed either two regular citizens or one legislator… Which would, of course, be a crime against humanity…and which…in this contortionistic and uncomfortable segue...brings us to Yugoslavia…Where it's just a rotten war for everyone involved, but rotten for no one more so than Republicans here at home because - dammit - it's not their war!… And they hate it when someone else starts a war and gets to play with all the really cool weapons… But Republicans don't take it lying down!…They take it spread eagle, while uncomfortably bent over a filthy porcelain toilet in the stall of the restroom at a Roy Rogers truck stop just outside of town where no one will catch them… But, you see…as Ronald Reagan might say, if he was able to string together a coherent sentence…"there we go again"…another damned dirty controversy like the ones we prefer to avoid here at This Week in Crime… So finally tonight, we'll close simply by wishing a warm, uncontroversial, This Week In Crime Welcome Home to… Amy Fisher…The Long Island Lolita, has bravely finished serving her time for shooting Mary Jo Buttafuoco right in the fucking head!…After seven long years, she is, as Jessie "The Reverend" Jackson likes to…force people to say…free at last, free at last, thank god all-mighty, she's free at last!…
Sadly for Ms. Fisher, she only shot one Buttafuoco, because had she shot two her time would have been cut in half due to the new controversial Buttafuoco Crime Laws which actually rewards citizens for shooting Buttafuocos in Long Island…Which incidentally, at low-tide, and on a personal note…also smells of bullshit… And that's this week's This Week In Crime…
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